Heaven's Bando (Demos)

by Cassidy Graves

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1.
Not So Bad 02:47
lyrics
It's not so bad, yeah It's not so bad It's not so bad, yeah It's not so bad What do you have, it's more than that It's not so bad Tossed and shot and thrown beneath Stabbed and kicked and broke my teeth What's the point in all of this If I don't ever get to live Stomp my head into the ground Beat so bad I don't get found Dental records just ain't enough They'll have to call a medium up It ain't bad It's not so bad, yeah It's not so bad, yeah It's not so bad It's not so bad, yeah It's ain't so bad Why are you sad with all of that It ain't so bad I relapsed last week while on meth I'm fixin to hitchhike home and shoot myself I steal food from kids and fight at bus stops I can't help but talk shit whenever I see cops I tell girls I look funny and fuck weird It's all worse than my mama feared I only want shit that I don't own I need to make a call, can I use your phone I hand out used sharps and expired condoms I beat up dogs and then blame it on trauma Ass whippins the only thing I give for free If you don't wanna get hurt then stay the fuck away from me After I leave here I'm gonna siphon some gas And probably drink it all because that's where I'm at I like to fuck tweakers from behind So we can both be noided and look out the blinds I got real life shooters hopin that I wreck Knock me off my high horse and I'll break my neck I don't pay taxes cause my body rejects it Don't fuck with me cause I'm divinely protected It's not bad! It's not so bad It's not so bad, yeah It's not so bad, yeah What do you have? I'll fuckin take that Don't act so sad I'll bounce right back I just want it more than you That's where I'm at It's not so bad
2.
Livin Outside 03:23
lyrics
I'm like a volcel anarchist with an IUD and celiac The thought of getting bread will give me a fuckin heart attack Did too many drugs and nearly drowned in the fuckin bath All my baby mama's kids will never find a better dad That is some felony level stolen valor I will punch you in the head if you say you live in Ballard If you ever wanna kill me then please just take a shot I'm protected by Jesus Christ, you don't want smoke from God Cracked out, tapped out, stacked out, whoa Ran out so I had to go and get two more Re-up baby, I don't mean to get it twisted But if you were gonna quit then you would probably go and do it My life is movie like a snuff film LiveLeak found footage where I get killed In the bando where I live I'm a big deal I can quit any time, I just like how the ground feels Go for the run-up throw and get teched I hope you and your whole puppygirl polycule get wellness checked I keep my moral compass on the end of a magnet If I see a guy with an ipad I will fucking go batshit It's not intentional, it's just a force of habit If I really deserved it I would already have it Worst seat in the house, in the worst house on the street There's never been a wetter dream than the one a tweaker has of me Cracked out, tapped out, stacked out, whoa Ran out so I had to go and get two more Re-up baby, I don't mean to get it twisted But if you were gonna quit then you would probably go and do it My life is movie like a snuff film Taliban hostage flick where I get killed In the bando where I live I'm a big deal I can quit any time I just like how the ground feel Re-up Relapse Re-up Relapse Re-up Relapse Re-up Relapse Re-up Relapse Re-up Relapse Re-up Relax Get up Shoot back Go out, get drunk Come home fucked up Pass out, OD, die, then wake up Go again to keep it a buck Sleep in the back of my best friend's truck Scare my neighbors Scare my girlfriend Don't give a fuck if I die if the world end Why in the fuck would I wanna stay sober If the moment I was born it was already over So I re-up (relapse) In the cut (relax) Don't give a fuck if I die on some train tracks Re-up (outside) Get fucked (tonight) Not gonna sleep til I die in a drive-by Re-up (that's first) Relapse (at work) OD on site, yeah you know that ain't my worst Get up (get pills) Fucked up (get real) I done got some rock for a car that I'm gon steal They're outlining me right now in chalk If you don't really live it then I don't wanna talk
3.
I Mind 03:08
lyrics
Clothes don't fit right Body don't fit right Whatever you're saying I won't see those sights You've got to be someone- some One in a dream Born right or at least born Unlike everybody I'll ever meet You're disassociating in the shower You're killing me, babe You're disassociating You're killing me right now Dis You're killing me right now You're killing me, right? Yeah Not enough teeth in your smile Not enough swing in your step Everybody just wants to make it to the party Shame if all they ever do is slip "Heavy the weighs crown," Like you're always bout to catch it But that's never really been An anarchist's problem, now has it? Has it? I can't feel my hands It's summer And I still can't feel my fucking hands I can see my breath Or is it yours? I think it's yours. Body's losing warmth like it's a habit, I say we break an olive branch It's water under the hatchet Body found, was in the farmer's market If I'm a woman tell me why my head's shaped like a range target Problem is that I've got to fucking live outside And cis people call the cops if I don't curl the fuck up and die I mind, Oh, you know? I mind, I mind, I mind, I mind, I mind
4.
Better 03:02
lyrics
I got sober before I tried the best drugs Girlfriend says that I'm already hard enough to love Saying it'll only hurt a bit They don't, they don't They don’t But they're thinkin' it I would really like to relapse right now I would really like to relapse right now I would really like to relapse right about now Get too intense Think that I'm scarin them Got clean too fast I Should've tried out heroin I missed out I would really like to relapse right now I should probably call you right about now I would really like to relapse right about now I don't wanna I don’t wanna I don’t wanna scare you. I'll be better tomorrow I promise What’s wrong now? You’re conscious And every second you breathes a new drama Said empty your pockets Get out of my apartment Yeah, no one knows better than you and your traumas I’m sorry, yeah I’m sorry I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna I don’t wanna I don't wanna scare you I don’t wanna scare you I don’t wanna scare you I don't wanna I don't wanna I’ll be better tomorrow
5.
Touch 03:59
lyrics
Drunk driving behind the wheel of life I am such a fucking loser I'm too dumb to do right I've been beating people up While stone cold sober I am dry but fucking up I am God's favorite soldier And you're such a perfect mentor Such a perfect voice I don't need to make decisions If you'll decide my every choice I can't help if I'm an addict Can't help but fuck it up But thank God you're finally here To teach me all about trust I'm out of touch, So please fucking give it to me I'm out of touch, Just put me on my fucking knees I'm out of love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love I'll do just about anything I'm out of love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love Just come pull on my fucking leash God, you're so smart God, you're so wise Every time you educate me I am barking with delight I don't care if it's shitty Don't care if it's fair Keep talking from your pedestal I'm not going anywhere And I am off my HRT Just like you had asked Am I doing right by you Tell me everything I lack And I'll say it like I mean it You can reward me like it's real Deny me like it's healthy And I'll stay at your fucking heel I'm out of touch, So please fucking give it to me I'm out of touch, Just put me on my fucking knees I'm out of love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love I'll do just about anything I'm out of love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love Just come pull on my fucking leash Oh fuck I did it all again I've been relapsing here for years And now just breathing is a sin And I can't seem to get free These bonds are just too tight But you just leave them how you want We both know you're just so right And you can take my away my key tag Throw away my chip Say that you're my sponsor While feeding me all this shit But I am just so near approval I've almost made you proud But you're not interested in talking Looks like I let you down I'm out of touch, So please fucking give it to me I'm out of touch, Just put me on my fucking knees I'm out of love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love I'll do just about anything I'm out of love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love Just come pull on my fucking leash Easy Easy Easy Easy Easy
6.
What I Do 05:24
lyrics
I get up when I get told Go off to work where my body gets sold Clock out at 6 and walk to the train Home by 8, go to sleep, and try again I can't breathe in my sleep Doctor tells me its hereditary So every night I say a prayer That when tomorrow comes I won't be there It's what I do It has to get done No it ain't fun No I know it ain't fun I meet a girl, she smiles at me Best looking sight that I ever did see Once a week or twice I head out there But come 3 months becomes more than I can bear The tone it starts to changin', every day fights And the body stays tense through the long, dark nights I think I'm gonna leave but it's always the same If I don't do something different then nothin is gonna change It's what I do It has to get done I know that it's not fun But I'm not tryin to impress anyone It's what I do It has to get done I'm not tryin' to impress you I'm not impressin' anyone I take a little somethin just to get me numb I can't get through the week without my arms around the sun And the horizon's so far until it swallows me No one is gonna notice if I go missing And eventually I leave my church and I pry myself away I make a lot of promises and none of them will stay And then I'm there alone with this big, empty hole And there's the work and women, there's this war in my soul It's what I do It has to get done I know that it's not fun But I'm not trying to impress you I'm not impressing anyone It's what I do It has to get done No it ain't fun No I know it ain't fun It's what I do It has to get done I know that it's not fun But I'm not tryin to impress you or anyone It's what I do It's what I deserve For all I've done And all I've hurt It's what I do Every day I get up It's what I do Can I please wake up It's what I do Every day I get up It's what I do Won't you help me wake up
7.
Car Crash 05:58
lyrics
You are gone And there is a you-shaped hole left now In my chest, in my heart, in my mouth My heart is a dragging anchor Splitting the acid in my stomach Letting it cleave until I'm in two Don't think I can rise above it The gold in my eyes is flaking off And all I can feel is ashamed Everyone will remember me differently Everyone will love me the same Just what was I killing myself for I moved mountains, then moved them back I waited out that shit inside of my veins Did everything right, and still I'm trapped I guess every day you went to work Replacing it all with you Now you're gone and I am empty God, if You can hear me, what do I do The gold on your body is flaking off And all I can feel is shame Everyone will remember me differently The gold on your body is flaking off And all I feel is ashamed Everyone will remember me differently Everyone will love me the same It's been months now since Summer ended But the leaves are still afraid to fall The frogs in the river won't sing now The birds in the branches too frozen to thaw If anyone said I'd have to do it without you Surely I would've done anything else I have thrown it all over to keep us afloat I am hanging myself now with what's left of the rope They tell me That it, it will pass That it will mend But I feel so afraid in this world I feel just like I did when I was a kid Scared and small Scared and small Scared and small And lonely All the gold is flaking off And I feel so ashamed All the gold, all of the gold I feel so ashamed Everyone will remember me differently Everyone will love me the same Everyone will remember me differently Everyone will love me the same
8.
Hospitalization 05:56
lyrics
I gotta mend before it ends I gotta get sober I gotta tend or lose my friends I gotta get sober And fore it breaks I always take Whatever is closer All that it makes for Heaven's sakes I gotta get over Oh Let it be Another chance And then I'll see No Let it crack Turn it loose Or I'll be dragged I'm on the outs There is no doubt I gotta get sober For all my strength there's no more length I guess I'm no soldier And all that's left has turned out deaf Except for my owner She sings in spite, I'm paralyzed What if I get sober Oh Let it die Another rope Another lie No You'll attack All I love To break it's back I lost my head, and once again I'm pushing that boulder Said it's disease, take what you need Before you get older And every day I find a way To bridge it all closer Mark all my words with what you've heard I'm gonna get sober Oh Let it be Start again See what we see Go Get you loose No screaming What's the use No I can't breathe Pick me up Help me leave This Get me out If you ever loved me Please let it be now Please let it be now Let it be now
9.
Go Again 06:23
lyrics
Where do I start again from here How do I start again after everything I've done My father built his mask from shrapnel And I did the same thinking it wouldn't unravel Anything to survive Now no one can recognize Who we are from who we were Child and myth begins to blur And now this might be all I am I don't know that I can change And if I do, I don't know that I can win But it's a new day New world Go again Go again I killed the child that I keep in my chest To take him all the way to here I killed the child that I keep in my chest To become somebody people'd fear And now like my dad I don't recognize myself All to survive inside this prison-like hell I'm becoming a new person whether I like it or not Every day, progress. Christ, I wish it would stop There's no more home now to return to I can't go back anymore I don't know that I can live And if I don't, that I can win But it's a new day A new world Go again My heart's a stone, my eyes are sunken Spending my days too high to function A decade is gone to chemicals and women I've been circling the drain and calling it swimmin' My fiancée left, I keep burying friends Every day losing without any end And now I'm alone with no chemical layer The world isn't mine and I am no savior But the sun rises every day just the same The road never turns, mama I don't know that I can try I don't know that I can win But, Lord, it's a new day God, it's a new world Go again Go again Go again Go again Go again We're all supposed to try However many However long I'm gonna be ok I'm gonna be ok I'm gonna Oh mama, I'm gonna Oh, I'm gonna be okay I'm gonna be ok Go again Go again Go again Go again
10.
Heaven's Bando 03:10
lyrics
I don't know that I can change My heart, my nature, my ways And if I could survive if I did If God would hear me if I prayed He's not coming to fix this He's not coming to make it better It's all on me, I'm afraid And I'm fixina break under the pressure So when I die I hope I go to Heaven I hope that somehow I can get in They don't got chainlink for me to cut There's no locks for me and my friends to bust The things I'm doing ain't good enough To get me through the door So I hope there's room in Heaven For fuck up punks and dipshit kids People that betray their friends Losers, junkies, trans women Doomed to their core If it really is Heaven Besides its perfect saints and pearly gates If it's really good There will be a single heavenly bando In Heaven's bad neighborhood And all my friends will be there We'll all do heroin And no one will ever overdose Because we're already in Heaven And my grandmother will cook for all of us And the door never gets knocked Because we are in Heaven Where there aren't any cops And the yuppies in the good neighborhoods That Heaven surely has Will all look down on all of us Cause we don't belong there Too bad So until then I will try until the day that I go I love you, If you love me we will meet again In Heaven's bando

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how to go to heaven before you die

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released April 23, 2024

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Cassidy Graves Seattle, Washington

ex-baby, future felon.

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